


"Where do I put this again?"

by orphan_account



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: F/M, I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, Kink Meme, les mis kink, yeAH YEAH, you ok guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic for this request on the Kink Meme:<br/>"Marius/Cosette, wedding night, bad sex<br/>Basically Marius and Cosette get into their bridal chamber and are like "wait a second... what now" because they are both inexperience virgins who have barely any idea how sex works. Tell me about their totally DISASTROUS first time, which they manage to make work because they are so in love. Basically: make it funny, but also cute!"<br/>Too funny to pass up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Where do I put this again?"

**Author's Note:**

> So, the full kink meme request can be found on page 22. I found it too funny to pass up.
> 
> Disclaimer: A lot of this is humor, and I loved the idea of both of them being confused. I'm just going to assume they are both virgins who really aren't familiar with sexually at all. Just go with it alright ~

“So…”

Cosette and Marius, in happy wedding night euphoria, had finally fallen together on the plush bed, kissing in the sweetly passionate sort of lip-lock they had become accustomed to during their relationship. Marius’ family, of course, had connections to a local innkeeper, and therefore the couple was to spend the night in the most luxurious of the rooms. 

The wedding had been lovely and beautiful. Both of them were happy. And now, it was their wedding night. And there was only one thing left to do. 

Marius knew about sex from his friends who had fallen at the barricade; the boys had given the respectable virgin some tips. Enjolras, though, had proclaimed proudly that he was a virgin by choice. 

_“While Marius here may be saving himself for some girl he is prancing around dreaming about, I am saving myself for Revolution.”_

But, that didn’t mean Marius hadn’t picked up a few pointers from the other boys. Even so, how he wished the men could have given him a few last tips before him and Cosette had reached this point. 

“What do we do now?” Cosette murmured. Being in his arms was not an unfamiliar feeling, but the anticipation that thrummed in her chest certainly was. Unlike Marius, the concept of sex had barely graced her mind. One time, when she had her sixteenth birthday, her father had mumbled a panicked Don’tDoUngodlyThingsUntilYou’veMadeVows and given her a supremely awkward pat on the shoulder. 

“I think you have to take your clothes off,” Marius stuttered. “So do I, actually.” 

Cosette shuddered. She was very comfortable with Marius, but she had totally forgotten the whole naked part of the equation. But, if being unclothed is what it would take to share this special bond with the man she loved. “Well, alright.” 

And both of them shed their outer clothing faster than they could muster the world ‘naked’. 

Marius smiled at Cosette, and he sat up on the bed, clad in only his poofy underwear. And Cosette, shivering in her corset, smiled back. Marius racked his brain for tips that the boys had given him, or experiences they had shared rather openly with the group…

Oh, yes. He was supposed to be sensual. How hard could it be? 

“Turn around,” he breathed, trying to lower his voice to one of some sort of sexually experienced god. She did so, and when he reached for the tie that held her corset so tightly, his face screwed up in a confused frown. “What is this?”

“Why, it’s my corset!” She spoke to him like Enjolras had spoken when a man asked why they were having the Revolution in the first place.

He stared at the tangled ties with wide eyes. “How does one open it?” 

“Untie it,” she laughed, and Marius fumbled with the ties. Where did they even start? “Do you need help?” 

“No!” 

It took them a good ten minutes for Marius to realize that all you had to do was untie it and give it a few good tugs. Oh, and first thing Marius said when he undid the constricting brassiere was something of less class than he had intended. “Oh, Cosette! Your breasts are just splendid.” 

“…Thanks.” 

A silence. 

“May I touch them?” 

Cosette felt her cheeks bloom into a rosy blush, and she nodded feebly. He did, and all that really happened was awkward prodding and pushing of Marius’ hands against the blonde’s skin. 

“They’re quite pliable,” he mused. Silence. 

He scolded himself internally. Out of all the known words that could have been used to compliment his wife, and he used the term pliable. 

“Well…” 

Marius knew what to do next. Grantaire had been very detailed about this. He carefully got up from the bed, stretching his arms out in a subtle attempt to show Cosette the muscles he had worked hard to cultivate. And then, in one swift stroke, he pushed his underclothes down and stepped out of them at once. They got a bit tangled around his feet.

Cosette shrieked. 

He rushed to her side, his face collapsing in panic, and he sat back onto the bed- now stark naked. “My love, what is wrong now?!” 

The innocent girl was staring furiously, and if the blush on her cheeks couldn’t have gotten any deeper, it surely did. “Is it supposed to look like that?” 

Now it was Marius’ turn to blush, “Well, it will look different. After you… you know…”

“After I what?”

“...touch it. You’re supposed to touch it, Cosette.” 

Ah, there was that silence again. Even Marius wasn’t familiar with this part. As a teenager, boys used to talk about ways they’d touch themselves, or whatever. But in all honesty, he did it a few times and lost interest soon after. He’d only done it a few times as an adult, too. It just didn’t really appeal to him. 

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a poke. “Cosette!” She jabbed at his… asset… with her forefinger once again, fascination in her eyes. “Cosette, what are you doing?!” He twitched. 

“I’m touching it,” she said, matter-of-factly. And then, noticing the lack of reaction on his face, she looked at him with worried, big eyes. “Am I not doing it right?” 

Marius looked at her with a small grin, admiring the genuine concern in her eyes she had about his pleasure, and he laughed softly, “Close. Let me show you.” 

And he did, with her hand wrapped around his, and did the same gesturing as he did when he was a curious teenager. He even let out a small moan, and this made Cosette smile slightly. She had gotten the hang of it, and now she was working him on her own; something that made her rather proud. See, she could do it. She could be a sensual-

Her thoughts were cut off when she screeched and recoiled, howling, “It’s moving!” 

Marius laughed once again, a little distraught that she had stopped her pursuit of his pleasure, “It’s supposed to do that.”

“Oh," she paused, hesitant. "That's nice." 

If they could make money from the minutes that were spent in painfully awkward silence, they would have been millionaires at that point.

“May I try touching you?” Marius inquired after a moment. Cosette nodded almost immediately, already decently humiliated by her faulty attempt at making her husband happy. He could surely do better, she thought. 

And when they were laying down together, as they often had before (a minor difference being that they were clothed in those previous times) Cosette felt a little more at ease. As did Marius, who had tugged her underclothes downwards. She shivered. He leaned closer to kiss her neck very sweetly, hoping to ease both of their doubts. 

He tried desperately to remember what his friends had told him about the female anatomy when he blindly reached below them. He managed to draw a soft moan from her lips, which made him smile proudly. 

“Like that?”

“Oh, that’s very nice, Marius,” she smiled at him in approval, nodding contently. He continued to fumble around with his fingers for a while, prying a moan from her every now and again. 

This went on for a few minutes, until neither of them knew what was next. 

“Is something supposed to happen?” 

“I think so…”

Nothing happened. 

Silence. A moan- then more silence, before Cosette’s attempt to soothe the awkward air, but it did just about the opposite:

“How’s your grandfather?”

“He’s well.” 

“Great.”

Silence. Painfully awkward silence proceeded once again. He drew his hand back, looking at her with raised eyebrows. “Was that okay?” And she nodded back at him, pulling him into a kiss. Kissing, they were good at. They knew exactly how to kiss. 

“We have no idea what we’re doing,” Marius said softly, tucking a piece of hair away from her face. She giggled, the kind of giggle that Marius had fallen in love with, and gave him a peck on the cheek. 

“Mmm, it’s alright. I’ll enjoy anything we do together,” her soft words made him smile. They lay there for a while, just enjoying each other’s kisses and feeling of being in such deep love that nothing else mattered. At one point, Marius shifted, beginning to roll a bit on top of her, moving forward with his plan.

“I think I know how to do the next part,” he said, grinning. 

Ha! No, he didn’t. 

“Yeah, okay,” Cosette mused, shuffling into a more comfortable position. “Am I okay here?” She looked to him in approval. 

He nodded, and very carefully placed his trembling and rather sweaty hands on her thighs. He was blushing again, and he began to trip over his words a bit, pressing his body against hers, “Now, I think I just go like thi-"

“MARIUS!” 

Her shriek was loud enough that he pulled back almost immediately, looking at her with sheer panic, “What?!” 

“I think that’s the wrong hole!” 

“Oh,” he surveyed his playing field with a frown. “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Silence was welcomed back with open arms. 

“Here, let me help you,” Cosette offered. Now Marius was the one with sheer embarrassment scrawled across his face. “I do my own body, after all.” He obliged, figuring that at least if she was helping, he couldn’t be totally blamed for his complete and total lack of experience and knowledge of the female sex.

She struggled but tried her best to help guide him, shuddering or trembling here and again, her body unfamiliar with the occasional grazing of her nether regions. Marius shuddered, too. He liked it. 

When they finally got to a position where he thought it would work, she gave him affirmation and he pressed his body up and against her, trying to maintain the angle they had figured out. He paused, while she lay beneath him in anticipation. When the frown passed over his lips, Cosette looked at him, “What now?”

“It won’t go in!” 

“What do you mean it won’t go in?” 

“I mean, it won’t go in!” his cheeks burned red with embarrassment and frustration, and Cosette sighed. 

“Fantastic,” she ran her hands through her hair. “Just change your angle, or something.” 

Marius was fairly surprised to hear her so sure of how to fix the situation, but he sighed and decided he might as well give it a try. He adjusted his angle, placing his hands gently on her waist, and gave it another go, praying for any sort of success whatsoever. 

And when it finally worked, it was, indeed, glorious. Awkward, but glorious.

\- - - - - - - 

They lay there together, her head against his chest, sweat dotting both of their brows. Their first time hadn’t been as raunchy and sensual as others had made sex seem like, but that didn’t take away any of the beauty. 

Cosette walked her fingers slowly up his chest, gently grazing the hairs that dusted themselves across his body, “I could get used to this.” She had a glow about her that could only come from a mix of love and the satisfaction gained from pleasure. 

“I like being married,” Marius added, chuckling softly. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, sighing contently, in a rather euphoric state of mind. 

It didn’t take them long to figure out more ways to celebrate the marriage, and once they knew, they didn’t know how to stop. 

Love is a wonderful thing, is it not?

**Author's Note:**

> I really appreciate feedback! :) 
> 
> (BUT, do keep in mind I'm aware both characters are extremely naive in this... I hope you enjoyed it anyway!)


End file.
